I Want To Be Nick Flynn

stream of consciousness

Nick Flynn is my favorite author. I decide. As I pick up his memoir again. I read it halfway through last year but it feels different reading it now that I’ve suffered through Palahniuk’s latest novel. I’m sure you disagree but I’m afraid it was a painful read. I get it. I understand. The lessons. The art of it. The energy it likely took to create it. But I hated it. I have to say that I really hated it. But I read it until the last page because I love Palahniuk and also because I was hoping to smile at the last line. At least. But I didn’t. Instead I spent the day with a rodent in my chest. What had I just put myself through. Why do we read entire books that we hate. Just so we can say that we read them. I told myself I wouldn’t do that anymore. But I was hoping I’d smile at the last line. Like I do with Nick Flynn. My Favorite Author Nick Flynn. His memoir now feels like a fucking embrace, from Flynn himself. I find myself feeling his essence in the room with me as I read and I think how special that we can spend this time together. And then I realize. And I think what would it be like to talk to the man. The Man I Wish I Was. Because I’ve always wanted to be a Male Writer. A Man Who Writes. Poetry. Novels. Messy desk. A large desk. Wood. Unkept hair. Thick thumbs massaging a thick manuscript. I’d love to Be Nick Flynn. But of course I cannot. So speaking to him would be the next best thing. Besides being friends. Of course that would be better. Or: if he could read my work. Now that’s a good idea. Nick Flynn is a good idea so I’m reading his memoir at the dinner table while my son finishes his chicken burrito and I think about what it’d be like to ask the guy a question. Just one question. And then I remember. I’ve done this. I’ve asked Nick Flynn one question. One time. On my college campus. In a small auditorium, maybe fifteen of us Creative Writers, listened to Nick Flynn read from his poetry book. My Favorite Poetry Book. My Favorite Book. Because: I Want To Be Nick Flynn. And in that small auditorium with fifteen of us Creative Writers, I asked Nick Flynn a question. And he answered it.